


Agreements

by Shift7



Series: Ineffable Bureaucracy [8]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Ineffable Bureaucracy (Good Omens), Multi, Other, Paperwork, good omens - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-24 04:43:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20352592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shift7/pseuds/Shift7
Summary: “Denied,” Beelzebub said, stamping a large red [DENIED] on the top. “You left in section 5.b again. We had agreed to take that out.”“No, we put it back in on the condition that we adjust paragraph 6 in section 3.a as you requested. Regardless,” Gabriel stamped his own purple [DENIED] stamp on the other document he had been reviewing, “I can’t approve this one either. You took out the subsection about pet names. I thought we agreed those were fine?”





	Agreements

“Denied,” Beelzebub said, stamping a large red **[DENIED]** on the top. “You left in section 5.b again. We had agreed to take that out.”

“No, we put it back _ in _ on the condition that we adjust paragraph 6 in section 3.a as _ you _ requested. Regardless,” Gabriel stamped his own purple ** [DENIED]** stamp on the other document he had been reviewing, “I can’t approve this one either. You took out the subsection about pet names. I thought we agreed those were fine?”

“They’re _degrading_ .” They countered, “I refuzze to be put on the same level azz a _ pet_, especially by _ you._ I have a perfectly fine name. Feel free to keep using it in full.”

“I think they’re meant to be a sign of affection, actually.” He pointed out, before adding, “Also, your name is long.”

“It izz exactly the same number of syllablezz as yourzz.”

“You never actually _use_ my name though. That alone gives me justification to go ahead with giving _you _an alternate name, regardless of documentation.” He tapped his fingers on the table reading the document over again, “This was honestly meant to be more of courtesy on your part.”  
  
“Those are insultzz. Itzz a completely different context.” They pulled out a previously approved document from a folder and read off, “ _‘Anything deemed to be romantic, affectionate, or otherwizze intimate between partiezz shall, henceforth, be required and expected to be documented in __**full** __for the mutual benefit of thozze involved.’_ You said yourself that you would be using them _affectionately_.”

“I suppose.” Gabriel huffed, defeated, and threw his document onto a large pile of other similarly denied ones. He picked up another group of papers from the review pile to look over. “You attached an expense document to this one?”

Beelzebub glanced over and tapped their finger on one of the clauses, “Your request for ‘extended physical contact’ in _ that _particular situation soundzz incredibly taxing and potentially dangerouzz for my form. I’d require proper compensation before agreeing to move forward.” 

“Hmmm…” He started to read it over. “No, I don’t think this will work. You can’t just submit a bill requesting weapons from Heaven’s armory. I don’t have clearance to approve that... N-not that I would.” he added, quickly.

“Guezzzz we can take that off the table then,” Beelzebub said cooly, not looking up at him.

Gabriel frowned, wondering if that meant that all future requests for extended physical contact would be met with similar egregious expense requests. _That_ gave him a headache.

“Perhaps we’re overcomplicating this,” Gabriel said, pinching his nose.

“No, if we start cutting cornerzz...” Beelzebub started but didn’t want to finish that thought. Both of them had agreed upfront that if they were going to keep... whatever this was... going on, they were going to go about it the proper way so there could never be any question of what they were doing. Keep it all on the books, keep it all official.

“Not what I meant. How about we just,” Gabriel extended his hand cautiously. “Hold hands.”

Beelzebub eyed his outstretched hand suspiciously for a few seconds.

“_Fine_.” They reached their own hand out towards him, then reached under his to grab a document that was resting below it.

“Let me adjust thizz so we can both sign off on it and we can proceed with the… hand clasping.”

“I had been thinking we could interlock our fingers, actually,” he said, demonstrating with his own two hands.

“Too advanced,” they said, not looking up from the writing they were doing. They paused after a moment and tapped their pen, “How far apart should we stand?”

“Arms touching?” Gabriel suggested, hopefully.  
  
“Handzz will be touching, why do we also need armzz to touch?”

“What if we were sitting instead of standing?”

“Thizz doesn’t solve the distance izzue.”

“Hmn” he tilted his head thoughtfully. “Arms _ not _ touching, but no greater than 1 foot apart?”

They buzzed softly, thinking it over. “That soundzzzzzz acceptable.”

He watched them write and noticed they were leaving small indiscernible grease stains on the paper and grimaced, “Actually... would you mind washing your hands before we do this?” 

“Requestzz for specific hygiene levelzz izz a completely different form and would need to be added in azz an addendum to thizz one,” Beelzebub said simply before adding, “Also, how dare you.”

“You’re disgusting,” Gabriel shrugged matter-of-factly before he miracled up the proper form and began filling it out.

They rolled their eyes but kept writing anyway, a small grin tugging at the corners of their mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> Regular brain: Ineffable Bureaucracy having a secret messy relationship they don’t want anyone to know about.
> 
> Galaxy Brain: Ineffable Bureaucracy fully documenting in excruciating detail every single interaction they plan to have and keeping it in accessible records for everyone to know about if they chose to look.


End file.
